The Positive Factor

How can you keep your relationship fresh, alive, and passionate.

By cultivating 3 important factors:

  1. The positive factor

  2. The heart connection factor

  3. The vulnerability factor.

Today we are going to talk about the Positive Factor, because almost every couple I work with is in a disheartening negative spiral and therefore in a funk of bad feelings. 

1. Keep a Healthy Emotional Bank Account

To have a positive relationship research has shown that you need a 5:1 ratio in your emotional bank account. What does this mean? It means that for every negative interaction you have, you need 5-9 positive interactions. Most couples I work with are upside down on this.

The problem is that it's very easy to deplete your emotional bank account. Some of the culprits are:

  • complaining

  • criticizing

  • finding fault

  • negative talk

  • anger

  • indifference

  • stonewalling

When there are mostly negative emotions, every little thing can result in a storm of anger, insults, and feelings of rejection.

Ideas for boosting your emotional bank account

On the other hand, when your emotional bank account is healthy, it's easier to feel love and connection for your partner and to view small issues as solvable. Here are some ideas:

  • Give your partner REAL Love Notes (the kind written on paper or a card. Other fun notes work too).

  • Hug your partner every day.  Try to give 5 or more hugs.

  • Kiss your partner every day. Kiss every time you leave one another, every time you return to each other and a number of times "just because."

  • Talk to your partner. Spend at least 15 minutes each day in conversation not related to running your lives.

  • Give your partner some special treat he or she will enjoy (like a foot massage, or a favorite snack)

  • Give words of appreciation.

  • Your own ideas. . .

2. Respond positively to attempts for interaction and connection

For some it's easier to give than to receive, for others the opposite is true. We need both to give and to receive. If you don't respond positively to the attempts of the other person for interaction and connection, the other will feel rejected and will lose heart. On the other hand, when you respond positively, the other feels accepted and connected.

3. Be the first to give positivity a try

When things are shaky, its natural to want to shy away from being the first one to initiate anything positive. Yet, someone has to start! Don't wait for the other. Be the first one to tray. I suggest each day to look for 3 specific positive things in the other person and tell them how much you appreciate those things. Even if the other doesn't seem to respond positively, it will at least start changing your attitude toward the positive.

Remember. . .

To have positive relationships you need to keep a 5:1 ration of positives to negatives. Start today boosting your emotional bank!


I have a FaceBook group where I post tips, quotes, and ideas to keep relationships healthy. Go to the page, like it, and feel free to comment and share: